Some Things You Can Count On

Beatrice is 9 months old today! My little booger and I have survived thus far and she is well on her way to being a big girl. During these 9 months, I have learned that there are few constants in parenting. With each new month and milestone, all of the rules seem to change. Once we got the hang of swaddling she started rolling over and the swaddle got tossed. Purees only lasted a month and now she'll only eat table foods. And scooting soon turned into crawling. And the end of me sitting while she is awake. While things keep changing, some things I have realized always remain the same.

1. If you wear white clothing, something will spill on it. This applies to you, the child, or anyone near you wearing white.
2. If you Windex something, it will get licked/touched/smudged. Every time.
3. You are never the sole owner of a drink. Thus, no drink is without chunky, mystery backwash.
4. If you find yourself in the throes of passion, your child will wake up/need a hug/ask for your drink. Children have some sort of sexytime radar and only use it for evil.
5. If you actually have a chance to sleep in, you won't sleep. You can thank the neighbors mowing their lawn, the garbage truck dropping trash cans in the street, your husband "playing quietly" with the baby downstairs, your mom texting you.
6. If you mop your floor, something will spill. Or get tracked in. Or cat litter will get kicked all over it.
7. If you enter a restaurant, your child will throw a tantrum. This also applies to meal time at your own house. If you are trying to eating anything with an adult, your kid will throw a fit.
8. If you attempt to leave the house in a hurry, your baby will poop.
9. If you only packed 1 paci and you are out in public, it will get thrown on the floor. And your baby will have the biggest tantrum of their life.
10. If you brag to everyone you know that your baby can wave/clap/recite the alphabet, they will sit there and make you look stupid.
11. If you wash your hair, it will rain. This has nothing to do with parenting but I find this to be true.
12. If you attempt to make a list of 10 bullet points, you will come up with 11 and an 11 bullet point list is stupid. So you make another bullet point about bullet points to make your list even.

I'm no expert, but I do have 9 months of parenting under my belt to make such statements with confidence. So live and learn and people. A lot changes on this wild ride, but if you make note of my clever (and accurate) observations, you and your child will make it.

Beatrice says yes you can!