I Need My Mommy

I have never felt comfortable being called an adult. I don't feel like an adult. I feel the very same way that I felt at 16: old enough to drive and kiss boys, but not old enough to have a mortgage or a child. On my wedding day, I seriously thought that someone would interject and say, "Come on. She's just a kid. A child bride. Alyson, take off that veil and all of that makeup and go clean your room." I felt like a kid, even though I was 26. And I still feel that way.

Don't get me wrong, I am responsible. I pay our bills, I save money, I brush my teeth before bed, and I eat my vegetables. But when faced with grown up decisions, I get uneasy. My stomach hurts and I get anxious. I do not feel qualified to make such huge decisions. Not as a child bride and teen mother.

JD and I have been talking about making some huge decisions lately. Huge financial decisions that make me want to puke. And even though JD is older than me (36), he feels the same. We are 2 kids terrified of all of the grown up things we have managed to avoid, but really should deal with head on. You know, since we have a child now and everything. 

Things like our house and our need to grow if we ever want to grow our family. We live in a 2 bedroom townhouse. We own said townhouse and have made it our home. Our home however, is just the right size for a family of 3. Add a cat and things start getting cramped. Add in more children and things start getting ridiculous. No, we're not having any more children right now but we would like to soon and if we stay in our current place, it would be difficult. Our place is so perfect because financially, it is at our comfort level. We are settled in our budget and any big changes feels like the scariest thing ever. I don't feel qualified to make this decision. Neither does my teen husband.

I have spent all day scribbling out our budget on the back of some pink paper. See, that's an indication of my never ending youth. A grown up would've made a spreadsheet in basic font. JD and I are going to talk about it tonight, but I know it's going to be awkward and weird because we feel silly making these decisions. Maybe our moms will come over and figure it out for us, then make us go to bed early. But we'll show them who's boss by staying up late and watching T.V. Because that's what mature adults do. Oh, and then go buy a house too.