Done

I nursed my baby toddler for the last time this morning. I didn't know it at the time, but after coming to terms that she's just not that into it anymore, today I decided to be done.

This has been a very emotional decision for me. When I went to my first OB appointment at 5 weeks, my doctor told me to stop nursing. There are mixed opinions, but certain studies suggest that breast feeding while pregnant can cause preterm labor and other complications. I'm not sure where I stand on this debate because I've read valid points on both sides of the argument. But the thought of trying to wean while I was about to give birth only to have to start the whole shebang over again with baby #2 didn't sound appealing. And Beatrice was ready. So I have been weaning. And crying and crying.

I cried because as long as I've been a mommy, I've been nursing. It is apart of our relationship, our bond. I wondered how she would react to stopping and that made me cry. Thinking of her begging me for boovies while I denied her the only milk she's ever known was almost too much to bear. But as I dropped feedings, I realized that she didn't even notice. She was over it. And that made me cry most of all.

This morning I got up and greeted my smiling baby toddler standing in her crib. I took her to the changing table to change her diaper wondering if she would ask for boovies. She did and I was relieved. So much of me is not ready to let go of this with her. We rocked and nursed for approximately 1 minute. And she was done. She slid off of my lap and asked for her snack. With my boovies still out and about I asked if she wanted more milkies and she said no while shaking her head back and forth. She was done.

So that's it I suppose. It would be kind of gross to keep forcing my boovies on her if she's not into it anymore. I'm okay with that, I think. It's just hard and sad to end that chapter that we both began together 15 months ago without so much as a goodbye. Just a no. "No more boovies, mommy. Sheesh." JD makes fun of me when I cry. When I explained that I have no baby to nurse anymore he said that in about 6 more months I will have another and I get to start all over again. He's right. It's not easy though. I don't know how to be a mommy that doesn't nurse. I guess I will just have to learn. And cry.