Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I Am A Freak

I've been described as a freaker. I tend to freak out in stressful situations. Instead of handling stress like an adult, curling up in a ball and crying comes more naturally to me. So that's what I do. I cry, I throw tantrums on the couch directed towards God and I don't deal like an adult. Hello my name is Aly and I am emotionally weak. Not to be confused with mentally unstable, just so you know. I'm not a loon. Just the type of person that crumbles under pressure instead of standing up against it. I feel like there needs to be that disclaimer when one's mental capabilities are being questioned by oneself. 

I have had a rough past couple of days. We are still not adjusted to JD's new midnight shift and Beatrice has finally cut her first tooth after 8 months of teething. Every time she has drooled, chewed something or cried since she was 2 months old I have been told that she is teething... I have made it my personal responsibility to make sure that JD sleeps during the day. It has put me under tremendous stress as it is impossible to keep a 10 month old quiet. Between this, the incessant crying at all hours of the night from new teeth and not having my helper/husband home has led me to want to do lots of this:

Instead, I have felt sorry for myself and cried at inappropriate places like in the car on the way to the zoo, at the grocery store and at church. Actually I couldn't help the crying. I think. It felt so right at the time. I have accepted that I am not emotionally strong. I can struggle through tough situations and prevail on the other side, but I will cry and blubber the whole time. I am a baby. Is that okay?

I know it's not okay. I am a mother now for goodness sake. I can't be crying and stomping my feet every time something is hard or not the way that I planned it. I think I just set such a high bar for myself that when I can't achieve it, I freak. And just so you know, I am well versed in trusting God and asking for His help. However, when He doesn't help right away, I freak on Him too. This is definitely not okay. I'll spare you all of the gory details but when Beatrice only slept for 30 minutes after I begged God to let her sleep for 2 hours the other morning so I could nap, I cried and kicked the blanket off of the couch while asking God why He refused to help me. Out loud. I threw an out loud fit at God. And then I repented. 

But the most not okay thing about it is that there is a tiny, little girl watching my every move. She is learning how to act and react from me. And whether I want to admit it or not, I am forming the norm for her by the way that I choose to act. Because freaking is a choice, no matter how natural it feels. For the next several years, I will be her only example of a mother, wife and woman. And I don't want her to think that it is okay to freak out when things are hard. I want her to have poise and a confidence that God is her refuge and help in time of need (Psalm 18:2).

So after all of the freaking out I did this weekend, I think I'm feeling better. I realize that things don't have to be perfect. And I am not going to feel responsible for JD's sleep anymore. I may still cry every now and then, but I am going to try to let things go and choose to not freak out. And keep my tantrums at God to a minimum.

Beatrice says "go with the flow mom."


  1. Thanks for reminding us all that we are the example for these little ones...How easily this can be forgotten! It's ok freak out, just lock yourself in the pantry ;-)

  2. Hey, i know mommymeltdowns! And i'm working every day to let them go too, and the thought that helps me the most is that God never gives us a burden bigger than we can shoulder. :)

    I don't remember it in time always, but it gets better and better. You will too and soon Beatrice won't know what a tantrum is at all. :)

    Good luck and godspeed on your journey!

  3. I just found out I am expecting. I remember my mom throwing tantrums. In fact, one time she threw a frozen chicken! I promised myself I wouldn't do that. Unfortunately, pregnancy hormones are winning and the tantrums have begun. I appreciate your honesty. I plan to put myself in time-out if I get neer frozen poultry in the middle of an outburst. You know...baby steps.