I've been described as a freaker. I tend to freak out in stressful situations. Instead of handling stress like an adult, curling up in a ball and crying comes more naturally to me. So that's what I do. I cry, I throw tantrums on the couch directed towards God and I don't deal like an adult. Hello my name is Aly and I am emotionally weak. Not to be confused with mentally unstable, just so you know. I'm not a loon. Just the type of person that crumbles under pressure instead of standing up against it. I feel like there needs to be that disclaimer when one's mental capabilities are being questioned by oneself.
I have had a rough past couple of days. We are still not adjusted to JD's new midnight shift and Beatrice has finally cut her first tooth after 8 months of teething. Every time she has drooled, chewed something or cried since she was 2 months old I have been told that she is teething... I have made it my personal responsibility to make sure that JD sleeps during the day. It has put me under tremendous stress as it is impossible to keep a 10 month old quiet. Between this, the incessant crying at all hours of the night from new teeth and not having my helper/husband home has led me to want to do lots of this:
Instead, I have felt sorry for myself and cried at inappropriate places like in the car on the way to the zoo, at the grocery store and at church. Actually I couldn't help the crying. I think. It felt so right at the time. I have accepted that I am not emotionally strong. I can struggle through tough situations and prevail on the other side, but I will cry and blubber the whole time. I am a baby. Is that okay?
I know it's not okay. I am a mother now for goodness sake. I can't be crying and stomping my feet every time something is hard or not the way that I planned it. I think I just set such a high bar for myself that when I can't achieve it, I freak. And just so you know, I am well versed in trusting God and asking for His help. However, when He doesn't help right away, I freak on Him too. This is definitely not okay. I'll spare you all of the gory details but when Beatrice only slept for 30 minutes after I begged God to let her sleep for 2 hours the other morning so I could nap, I cried and kicked the blanket off of the couch while asking God why He refused to help me. Out loud. I threw an out loud fit at God. And then I repented.
But the most not okay thing about it is that there is a tiny, little girl watching my every move. She is learning how to act and react from me. And whether I want to admit it or not, I am forming the norm for her by the way that I choose to act. Because freaking is a choice, no matter how natural it feels. For the next several years, I will be her only example of a mother, wife and woman. And I don't want her to think that it is okay to freak out when things are hard. I want her to have poise and a confidence that God is her refuge and help in time of need (Psalm 18:2).
So after all of the freaking out I did this weekend, I think I'm feeling better. I realize that things don't have to be perfect. And I am not going to feel responsible for JD's sleep anymore. I may still cry every now and then, but I am going to try to let things go and choose to not freak out. And keep my tantrums at God to a minimum.
Beatrice says "go with the flow mom."