My Coffee Maker Hates Me

My coffee maker hates me. Every time I try to make coffee, the filter folds over and coffee grounds go in the pot. I never realize this until I pour a cup and discover that it is thick and gritty. I waste so much coffee because it takes at least 2 tries to make a drinkable pot. Of course this only happens to me. JD tells me to use different filters or make sure the filter is placed perfectly in the basket. When he makes coffee, it turns out perfectly and he always has that "I told you so" look about him.

I know how to make coffee. I mean, I really know how, like professionally. I worked at Starbucks for years and they send their employees to coffee school. I've studied the art that is java. It's this stupid coffee maker that hates me and refuses to cooperate.

And I don't just make gritty coffee, the stupid self timer setting thing screws up on me too. No matter how many times I double check it, coffee is either made an hour too early or an hour too late. I have cleaned it, read the manual, checked all of its settings and nothing is tangibly wrong with it. Except that it hates me. I know how to operate all of the other small appliances. And even some large ones, like my car. So I know that I'm not completely incompetent. This machine obviously has it out for me.

I don't think I would care so much if I didn't love coffee. If my toaster burned my toast every morning I would just eat oatmeal instead. But there is no substitute for coffee. It is the reason I get out of bed. And Beatrice. Probably more Beatrice than coffee actually but the coffee makes it better. I need my coffee and it's nothing but a cruel joke when I pour my first cup and discover through sleepy eyes that it is undrinkable. Stupid jerk coffee maker.