I've been spending a lot more time with Beatrice lately. Not more time, per se, because that would require more hours in a day. We already spend every day, all day together. But I'm usually intermittently plugged into my phone or computer throughout the day. I am rarely completely present with her with my undivided attention. And not because I get bored or would rather do something else, but there are household things to be done and honestly, mommyhood can be pretty mundane. Plugging into the outside world is a tiny little break that I need most days.
But lately, I have been leaving my phone on the charger and keeping my laptop closed. It dawned on me not too long ago that these moments with just Beatrice and me are fleeting. Soon there will be a new baby requiring my attention and my old baby will no longer have her mommy to herself. This makes me a little sad.
I don't know what it is about my first child that makes me feel guilty about having another one. If I had to guess, it's thinking about all of the ways that I learned by trial and error with Beatrice. I remember countless nights of rocking her tiny little baby self to sleep, just crying and apologizing for not knowing how to be a better mommy. She was oblivious, snoozing away at my boovie while I sobbed like a baby thinking of all the ways I had probably already screwed her up. Baby #2 will have it so much easier because I already know what to do (and what not to do) because of Beatrice.
All of this has made me really want to soak up the last few months of our time alone. Of course I cannot wait to have new baby and I know Beatrice will be a perfect big sister, but it makes my mommy heart sad to know that the sweet little girl that made me a mommy is going to have to share me when I haven't always given her my undivided attention. So for now, we are having breakfast dates alone at Cracker Barrel (hello blueberry pancakes) and walks to the park and lots of reading time without my phone interrupting us. She loves it. And so do I. I want to be the best mommy I can be. And really, who could resist spending precious one on one time with this face?