Yesterday as I was adding a few Christmas activities to our December calender, it dawned on me that I live 2500 miles away from everyone I love the most. It finally hit me that I will never again drive across town to sit in my mom's comfy kitchen chair and talk/nap/read while my babies play. I can't just call my sister in law and meet for an afternoon of shopping and lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. I will never have the opportunity to take my mother in law up on last minute dinners at their place. It dawned on me that my life is forever different now that we live so far away.
One would imagine that I came to terms with all of these things oh say, 7 weeks ago when I moved here. And if not before the move, surely the 7 weeks and 2 days (who's counting?) that I have lived here has been plenty of time to deal with the fact that they are there and we are here. That's what a mature, prepared person would have done. But we're not talking about a mature, prepared person here. We're talking about me, a grownup baby person who likes to pretend that hard things aren't really happening in hopes that, well, they don't really happen.
That's how I ended up in la la land; pretending that this has been a big vacation and not making myself deal with the gut-wrenching emotions I have going on in my heart (and gut). The truth is, I am not ready to accept that I can't see my family and friends whenever I want anymore. I am not ready to accept that my kids can't see their grandparents and great grandparents anytime they ask. I am not ready to accept that we have a new life in California and don't live in Tennessee anymore. I'm not ready.
Life's not so bad here in La La Land. I go through the motions of everyday life by taking care of these babies, cooking, cleaning, and making new friends, but I haven't let myself think about or dwell on anything sad. I just don't go there. So I think I'll stay here for a while longer. I will continue to live life counting down the weeks and days until the next visit from our loved ones arrives. I just don't think I can bear coming to terms with the fact that things are forever different and sad in a way that pangs my heart.
Yes, I think I'll stay here a while longer until I'm ready to deal with it all.