Saturday, September 24, 2011

How I Feel Now

On Monday, JD leaves for California. He is driving across the country and plans to be there by the end of the week. The girls and I will follow in 2 short weeks.

Remember when I wrote about how excited I was to move? Well that changed as soon as I had Penelope. Having 2 babies is harder than I imagined. I am blessed to have my mom live 15 minutes away to come play with my babies while I nap, shower, or nap. I love meeting up with my brothers and sisters in law for dinner and s'mores around a bonfire on Friday nights. Impromptu coffee dates with friends at Starbucks are little luxuries I am lucky to have. All of that is about to change though. We are moving to a place where we know no one and won't have any help with the girls. We are moving to a place that I'm not so sure I want to go to anymore.

I have been pretty good about hiding these feelings for the past 4 weeks. Can you believe Penelope is 4 weeks old already? Eek! Time flies when you're having fun! But as the countdown nears closer and closer to moving day, I can't seem to hide my tears feelings anymore. I am sad. I have never lived away from my immediate family before and as much as I like to think of myself as an independent person, I am realizing that I have taken for granted how wonderful it is to live in the same town as everyone I love. Can someone please tell me how I will live without my mom??? 

Spending every holiday with my brothers has been a gift that I never thought I would miss and honestly, never thought I would have it any other way. Watching my babies play with their grandparents is such a sweet thing and something that I now feel really guilty about taking away from them. I guess I am realizing how much I am going to miss everyone and how afraid I am that life is going to go on without us. Eventually, my brothers will have some babies of their own and my mom will have new grandbabies to love on. Christmases for them will be full of inside jokes and old traditions while we make new memories, just the 4 of us. They will continue to meet for Friday night dinners while we do our thing 2500 miles away. To say that I am sad is an understatement. I might be a little devastated.

But, (thank God there is always a "but") I know that this is an adventure for our family that is completely orchestrated by God. We have prayed for this opportunity for 3 years and watching doors open up for us that were prayed about years ago is pretty cool. Despite my sadness, I know that God will get me through the loneliness and sorrow about leaving my family for the first time in my life. I just keep looking on the bright side like how awesome the weather is going to be and how much stuff there is to do in Los Angeles. But really, I'm afraid if I start crying, I'll never stop. I'd like to blame the postpartum hormones on some of this, but I'm pretty sure I just don't want to move. 

In 2 more weeks I get to see what I'm made of. I can either put my big girl panties on and tackle this move with strength and poise or turn into a puddle of weakness and tears. I'm betting on a little bit of both. We shall see.


  1. I know it's hard, believe me. I've hardly lived anywhere longer than a couple years at a time. My suggestion: Find a church as soon as possible with good childcare possibilities--even if you don't land there forever, it will help with the transition time.
    I'll be praying for you as you go on to your new stage in life.

  2. Thinking of you and I'm sure you will be strong.