JD and I were sitting here talking about the new baby and I called it an "it." I realized the time and excitedly exclaimed, "this time tomorrow we will know what "it" is." I am so excited, I can hardly wait. But in the midst of my excitement, I'm a little sad that the wait will be over. Because you see, during the last 10 weeks or so, I have come to terms with all of my fears about having a boy child and no matter what we find out tomorrow, one of my dreams will be no more.
In the height of my extreme anxiety about having a boy, I wrote
this. Deep within the sarcasm, my very real fears were hidden. I received my first ever hate mail from that post. A woman wrote that I was a terrible person and mother for praying for a girl and she hoped that CPS would take my children away from me. I wasn't offended by it, but rather largely perplexed at the woman's gall to make such assumptions about me based on a sarcastic post. I toyed with the idea of emailing her personally, but I decided to delete the comment and ignore her cruelty.
You are a very mean lady if you're still out there, mean lady. But I forgive you.
That comment has made me reflect on why I really wanted another girl. I have asked other mothers if they had a preference either way and while everyone said that they would be happy with either a boy or a girl, most said that they had always imagined themselves having one or the other. I think that pinpoints my feelings about having another girl. I have always imagined myself as a mother of girls. Of course I would be happy and blessed with a boy, but since I was a child I have dreamed of mothering girls. The thought of that dream not coming true is a little disappointing.
A disappointment that would quickly disappear at the news of a healthy boy, just so you know.
I do not think there is anything wrong with hoping and praying for a child of a certain sex. God knows the desires of my heart before I even tell Him, He was not surprised at my pleading back in February. I also don't think it makes me a terrible mother/person to be a little disappointed tomorrow either way. It will not be disappointment over the child that I get, but disappointment of a dream or imagined reality lost. A whole lifetime of imagined motherhood could be changed in an instant. And I am a little apprehensive to go there, to give up my dream.
Tomorrow, in the midst of all of the excitement of finding out the sex, either way I expect to feel a twinge of "ahhh man." I have come to terms with my fears about a boy and now, I kinda want one. That, of course, will mean the loss of my dream of having another girl. And if I get my second precious daughter, I will be a little sad that I don't have a precious son.
Never satisfied, am I? Either way, I'm pretty sure that's normal. And I'm not ashamed to say that to you, blog readers.
Please don't send me hate mail though, mmkay?
But because this is the internet and words often get lost in translation, I need to say that I will be elated and happy with whatever our news is tomorrow. We are blessed to be the parents of 2 children and tomorrow's news will clue us into who our missing family member will be. How wonderful and exciting! I can't wait to reveal the big news to everyone!! Even you, mean internet lady.
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