5 Lb Cake

Once upon a time, I made a cake. It was no ordinary cake though. It contained 5 sticks of butter, 6 cups of sugar, and was heavier than most newborn babies. It took me all day to make and destroyed my whole kitchen. This cake is what dreams are made of, desert dreams that is.

Behold, the caramel cake:

My grandmother makes a caramel cake every year around Christmas. I only get to eat a tiny slice or 2 once a year, so I was totally naive about what would happen if I had a whole cake to myself.

5 lbs is what happened. In a week. I gained 5 lbs in a week eating cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And dessert. It called to me in the mornings. It said, "I'm delicious with that cup of coffee. Cut a tiny 3-bite slice and see how I complement your morning joe." I did, and that cake was telling the truth. It was delicious with my coffee.

Then lunch time rolled around and it would whisper, "psst, I'm yummy right now. You ran around with your kids at the park all morning, a tiny bite of me won't do a bit of damage to your figure." So I forked a tiny bite, then kept forking until I had to lie down for a rest.

It sang to me while I cooked dinner. "Lalalala, I'm so good, you should stuff me in your mouth while you stir that sauce. No one is looking, lalalala!" So I did.

After I put the girls to bed, I'd promise myself NO MORE CAKE. But it lured me in like a sweet talking trollop. I ate myself into cake oblivion every night for a week and I have the tight jeans to prove it.

I didn't know how to end the eating of this cake. I knew after consuming 4 servings the first day I made the cake I was in trouble. My stomach ached, my teeth hurt, my jeans were struggling to zip. But I couldn't stop. "I will cut it in half and give it to the neighbors," I told JD. But I never did. I just kept eating it.

I served it at my wine and cheese party. That got rid of several slices, but there was still more cake left over. I was at a crossroads. I had begun to hate this cake that I loved so much. I begged my friends and family for advice. "Do I eat it all in one sitting to get rid of it, or do I throw it away to finally be done with it?" "Don't you dare throw that cake away," they screamed! "That is the best darn cake in the entire world and if you throw it away, you will be committing an injustice to all humanity." Or something like that...

So I pressed on. I had to, it was my duty for all mankind to consume every last bite of the best cake in the entire world. And last Thursday, at approximately 2:12 in the afternoon, I finished the cake. It was one of the happiest moments of my life (and the fattest). Now I can go back to living my life like it was intended; with only 1 or 2 slices of caramel cake at Christmas only.

If you would like to make your own delicious caramel cake and gain an additional 5 lbs in a very short period of time, here's the recipe I followed. Do it for yourself. Do it for humanity.