Seagulls Are Jerks

I have never had a good encounter with a seagull. Every time we go to the beach they are either attacking my beach umbrella, stealing our food, or trying to assault one of my children. I spend the majority of my time shooing them away from our beach blanket or cleaning up the scraps of our lunch strewn all over the sand after being robbed by mobs of birds. They are pesky little creatures and should really think about how badly they treat people.

We went to the beach on Wednesday and my entire picnic got pilfered by seagulls. This happens almost every time we eat oceanside, so at this point, it's probably my fault. Those obnoxious birds waited for us to walk away from the blanket before they ripped open sandwich bags, scattered granola all over the place, and OPENED TUPPERWARE CONTAINERS. Do birds even eat cucumbers? 

Then they pooped everywhere. 

I honestly don't know how to prevent this from happening. They work in groups so I am never dealing with 1 crazy bird. It's thirty or forty maniacal birds using their numbers to intimidate me and take whatever I brought to the beach. I like to call them the flying mafia. These birds are thugs and they are afraid of no one. 

I'm not sure what my options are at this point. Should I offer the seagulls our lunch as soon as we get to the beach so they won't circle our blanket, waiting for me to turn my head? Forget snacks altogether and starve the girls? Try to share as a peace offering? Avoid the beach???

I don't think any of that would work. Seagulls are scavengers by nature. They are going to steal food. They are going to attack children holding sandwiches. They are going to poop all over your blankets. 

Seagulls are jerks.